Post by anonymous on May 14, 2006 23:59:16 GMT -5
I need help. That's what it comes down to. I need help but I'm not willing to talk to people IRL. I'm scared of what they will think of me. i am afraid of how they will react. i am afraid they won't like me anymore when they realize how i really am.
I was raped twice when i was younger and for about two years suffered from sexual abuse with my best friend from our baby sitter. I've never told any one about any of this and as of late, i keep getting flash backs and i can't deal with things anymore. i find myself falling apart in the middle of a class and i just feel dead.
Awhile ago, i had an abusive boyfriend. i met him after the death of a very close friend and i needed someone to take care of me. It was mostly just mental abuse, but it still has an effect on me. He was so controlling and i hated him and hate him for what he did to me, and the depression he threw me into. Also he was the one who introduced me to cutting and then threatened me with all sorts of things if I didn't stop. Yet somehow, if he came back to me today, i would probably take him back. i also loved him. No matter how wrong he treated me.
As i mentioned, i have suffered and fight with depression every day. For a while, cutting was my outlet, but i know that's not good now and i fight it off when i can. It's been at least three months now and I'm very proud of that.
Like i said though, i can't take this anymore. i can't take the seemingly random breakdowns. i can't take the flash backs, i can't take the memorys and knowing it's all my fault. If only i had done something. i find myself hating myself and just wanting to give up. Yet more than anything, i know i must live. i must live and prove that I am stronger then them.
That is all, call this a rant if you will, but it needed said. Any advice on what to do would be more than welcome thou.
I was raped twice when i was younger and for about two years suffered from sexual abuse with my best friend from our baby sitter. I've never told any one about any of this and as of late, i keep getting flash backs and i can't deal with things anymore. i find myself falling apart in the middle of a class and i just feel dead.
Awhile ago, i had an abusive boyfriend. i met him after the death of a very close friend and i needed someone to take care of me. It was mostly just mental abuse, but it still has an effect on me. He was so controlling and i hated him and hate him for what he did to me, and the depression he threw me into. Also he was the one who introduced me to cutting and then threatened me with all sorts of things if I didn't stop. Yet somehow, if he came back to me today, i would probably take him back. i also loved him. No matter how wrong he treated me.
As i mentioned, i have suffered and fight with depression every day. For a while, cutting was my outlet, but i know that's not good now and i fight it off when i can. It's been at least three months now and I'm very proud of that.
Like i said though, i can't take this anymore. i can't take the seemingly random breakdowns. i can't take the flash backs, i can't take the memorys and knowing it's all my fault. If only i had done something. i find myself hating myself and just wanting to give up. Yet more than anything, i know i must live. i must live and prove that I am stronger then them.
That is all, call this a rant if you will, but it needed said. Any advice on what to do would be more than welcome thou.