I'm having trouble.

[anonymous]

Nothing is good, everything's bad. I'm giong madd in a bad way. I can't stand anything. life totally sucks. I have nowhere to go. nowhere to turn. Everything i try to do only gets me hate. I can't do anything right anymore. I can't do anything. i can't remember anything. I can't fix anything. I'm all locked up and i can't move. I'm stuck, i'm lost, I'm breaking down. I hate life. All i ever hear is bad news. Everyone hates me. I have no friends, my family hates me. . . except for one, but he isn't here, and won't be for a very long time. I miss the people my family used to be. I miss what my family used to me. I miss the life i used to live. I'm so tired of the hurt and the pain. I'm so sick of crying. I'm so sick of being the only one getting beat on, getting picked on, being forced to do what i don't want to do. I just can't stand it anymore!

[mai]

i don't know who you are (obviously) but i think we have a lot in common. i don't know what to say cuz i don't know if i can make it better, but if you want to talk more about it, PM me. i've been through enough to know what you're probably feeling like. i really want to help. i'm so, so sorry.

[Petey]

Life just sucks, learning to deal with it is just the hard part.

[yasamufasa]

srry that i'm a bit late, but life has all the difficulties in it for us. but it is never as bad as you might think. we all do the best we can. and i sympathise with you about the family. i never had a real family. we tore ourselves apart and i left them when i was about 12. look for the good in life. even if it starts with just little things that seem insignificant at first, the little things tend to add up and make big things that are really good. then with the family, talk to them about how you feel. i don't know if you are going to read this or not, but hopefully i'm helping someone else with simular problems. but just do the best you can, ask for help when you need it, and talk about your feelings when you need to or want to. that's the best thing to do.

[yasamufasa]

well, i more or less ran away and then went into foster care. i don't recomend it to anyone. the first few foster parents i had where just as bad as my real parents. i ended up coming to help my grandma up here in utah because i needed to get out of the foter care i was in. i know about the trust thing. both my oldest sister and brother betrayed me as badly as anyone can. you can learn how to trust people, but it's a hard road. and if you don't want to do something, then don't. you have that choice. it can never be taken from you. and i understand why you don't talk to people. when i first came here, i had trouble talking to people. i'm glad that i met kida and yoko that first day, and then met toboe, sakerra, and everyone else. that's what helped me out. my friends. they have more power than they know to help someone change. trust in those friends you have. then just let the magic work. don't expect to change over night if you want to change. it'll take time.

[anonymous]

Well, I'm back again. Here to spill my guts. (in a way.) So here it goes.
K. Here it is. . . My life sucks. My house is a (beep) house, and I'm stuck in it. I can't leave, I have no choice in any matter. My life's continuing in it's fall downhill. Continueing to get worse and worse almost unstop. I'm not pretty much bound to my room day in and day out. I"m not allowed to see my dad. I can't do anything without telling or asking my (beeeeeeeeeeeeep) of a mom. I'm so pissed. And yet I'm incredibly depressed at the same time. One of my friends tried to commit suicide the other day, and now she cuts herself. My friends are depressed, and i feel for them even though I know I"m in much worse condition. All day everyday I'm inches from crying, and yet inches from screaming. I can't figure anything out. I can't think anymore. I now have to talents or good qualities. Depression has taken them from me. I can't do anything I used to be able to. I'm left alone with nothing.
My friends are my only way out, but....it's blocked. I can't get out. I feel so alone and hurt. I can't stand it much longer. Inside I"m so distorted and I'm so mentally stressed. And even as I'm typing, my mom's freaking out at me. She won't get off of my back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Beeeeep) Dang it! Someone get her away from me and save my life!
...But there's no one there. There's no one there who can save me. And there's no one willing to save me if there was a way. . .

Just stick a knife in my gut and end it.

[yasamufasa]

well, we are deffinately not going to do that last one. no one here is going to kill you. life has to many things in it to end your life so early. i know right now it doesn't seem like it. it never does when you feel like that. i know. i've almost tried to kill myself plenty of times to really know. i used to beg god to take my life and just end it. too bad he doesn't do that sort of thing. but life does have it's good things. it has it's good quailities. you just have to look for them. at first it'll seem like it's just the little things that you're greatfull for, but if you continue to look for things that you're greatfull for, you'll find that you're greatfull for plenty of things. for me, it all started to get better when i asked for help. you're doing that, so hopefully, you'll start to feel better. and some people do understand the pain that you're going through. trust me, my mom and dad, my brothers and sisters were about as bad as they could be. i've been betrayed by the people that should have been building me up. they tore me down for all that i was worth. i once used to tell myself "pain seems to be the definition of my life. it is all i know. love, compassion, joy; i have never had these things. all i have had is pain and sorrow." if you're someone that i have told my life to, you'll know what i mean when i say that. if not, then i understand what you're going through. there is very little that i haven't had to go through. if living in your house is so hard, then get out. this isn't my first choice, but if it is bad enough, get out.
many people don't have good parents. espesially here in utah. i never had any parents. oh, i have them, but they were never emotionally there for me. if anything, they would tear my soul apart just because they could. they would make me feel as if i was worthless, as if i was filth. the pain and sorrow that i still feel from that is enough to kill me. but one of the best things to do for that is to step up and tell them what you feel. i know it sounds scary at first, but it helps. if it doesn't help to resolve anything, well, then it'll help you to feel better about yourself. continue to stand up for yourself. tell everyone your opinion, even if they don't want to listen. stand up for what you believe in with your family.
depression can also be battled. i have had to battle with depression for a long time, but it can be overcome. my family is clinically depressed, but even then, you can overcome it. depression can come out to be a very beautiful thing. i know that that really sounds weird. that it could never be something good. but it can give you such insight into things. whenever you are feeling depressed, just try to take a step back and look at the good in your life. i know this is very difficult when you're feeling depressed. but it does work. not at first, but as you gain more strength, it'll work beautifully.
friends are a beautiful thing. we understand what it's like to go through pain and sorrow. we know what it's like. but if you can't see them, then think about them and the good times that you've had with them. even if it's a simple memory, it'll work. and you are never alone, whoever you are. we are always here to help. sense you're on this, i know you're someone that i know. think about your friends while you are blocked. and then when you aren't blocked, then talk all you can to your friends. go out with them as much as you can. when i first moved here to utah, my grandma was doing the same thing. she wouldn't let me do anything. she would have me stay home cattering to my grandma's every wish. and when i got on the computer, my grandma was always on my back, reading everything that i typed before i sent it. and if she didn't like the responses that i got, then i wasn't allowed to talk to that person for a while. though i never listened, it does get under your skin. take a deep breath everytime that your mom or whoever gets on your back.
and, yes, there are people who are willing to try to save you. and there is always a way. we just have to find it.

[yasamufasa]

there is nothing wrong with crying. i'm a guy, so me crying is really looked down on. but i cry. i am human. we all cry. i cry because it helps me out. there is nothing shameful in crying. it doesn't say anything about what you're going through or who you are. and sometimes, when you do open yourself up to other people, they won't betray you. that's what i've learned sense i came up here. my mom and dad don't even recognise me anymore.
maybe what you need is to open up to someone. take that chance. because holding it in only makes it worse. i won't say what my family did to me, but it's one of the worst things they could have done. the only worse thing would have been if they had killed me. but talking to others, having other who understand and are willing to help, that's what really helps out.
well, i can't help you to escape because i don't know who you are. but there is always hope. i have been to the deepest part of heck. i know what it's like. i've been there several times. but there is always hope. there is always someone who is willing to help. and there is always a way out. you don't have to believe in it. but it is there. all things are possible. and if your mom is willing to call the cops for anything that you do, then tell her everything that she needs to know. try not to tangle with the law. if you're going out to a friends, tell her that you're going out to a friends. take a cell phone that she can call if she needs to call you. that way you're free to go to other places. and it's good that you've stepped up and talked about your feelings. that's always good for someone's emotional health. and if they really don't give a care about what you feel, well, continue to tell them. if it gets so bad, tell them you're need to get out and go to a friends house. stay there until you're ready to go back.
there is always good in life. just start small for now. like, be greatful that it's a good day. or that you can at least get onto the computer and do things anonymously to try to get help. or even that there are some out there that are more than willing to listen and help. i'm one that's willing to do both.
and about your family betraying you, tell them how you feel about it, whenever they do it. when they betray you, fight back. don't let them control who you are. you have the strength to do that. don't let them destroy you. when you don't think you can go on, know that you can. when you don't think that life's worth living, know that it is. and when you need someone to talk to, talk. get it off of your chest. you at least know what love is. you know the power that it can give you. i never have and probably never will. stand strong. because you are strong.

[yasamufasa]

okay, well, frist off, i am still here and i'm still trying to help you. if you ever need to talk, you're more than welcome to talk to me on IM.
second of all, crying may show pain and sorrow, but it is by no means a weakness. you know that i'm a guy and i cry all the time. i am not ashamed of it. i've cried and cried. in front of my two best guy friends. that's supposed to be really embarassing for a guy and is almost unheard of. it's no display of weakness to do so, though. as for your mom coming in, maybe i don't know her personally, but from what you've said on this thread, she really sounds a lot like mine. if you're afraid of crying in front of her, then don't. find a place that you're comfortable in and cry your heart out. that's what i had to do when i was still with my parents and afterward. something that i found that was really helpful was crying into my pellow. but crying is no weakness.
you say that no one can keep your secrets? that it's too big for one person to hold? well, then you don't really have any trust in your friends. some people are able to hold a lot more than you may think. if i told you my full past, well, i don't think that you'd have the same opinion. people have amazing strength. and not everyone will betray you. not every one wants to hurt you. and some people do want to get to know you. i don't think that you see that right now.
and you not having any hope, you're not the only one that doesn't have any hope. trust me on this one. no one's life is perfect. a lot of our friends are going through really hard times right now. i won't tell you who or what their going through because that's theirs to tell. but i think you know who i'm talking about. talk to them, if you need some more help. but hope isn't all lost. there is always a little hope. otherwise, you wouldn't have come here. you're seeking for help and hope. there is hope and help here.
as i said before, i don't know your mom personally. i don't like how you have to beg to be let out. that's not right. me being me, i would sneak out, no matter what my mom said. you shouldn't have to beg to be let out of the house. you aren't some animal or some one that is dangorous to society.
well, if you ever need a ride somewhere, i'm probably getting my license in two weeks. i can drive people places. plus i'm getting my own car, so that's not a problem. and if this is just the tip of the ice burg, you're not the only one. all that i've type doesn't do justice to any of my feelings. but talk about your feelings. get them out. it'll feel much better when everything is out then if you keep it in. trust me on that.
well, whoever you are, you are certainly welcome at my house. i'm not sure if you will because i'm not sure if you a guy or girl. but if you need it, there are two extra beds at my place. it doesn't matter if it's for two weeks. my place is always open to anyone.
and don't worry about people possibly knowing who you are. if they are true friends, they will try to help you out, not hurt you or betray you. plus, we can't really be certain who you are unless we ask you personally and you say that it's you. it's still anonymous.
if your family doesn't respect what you feel, then don't tell them what you're feeling. i know that's contradicting what i've told you before, but if they really don't respect you, then don't tell them. if all they try to do is manipulate your feelings, don't give them anything to manipulate. don't give them any extra bullets. but do get your feelings out in a good way. talk to people that you trust.
and life is worth living, no matter what you think. there is always something good in life. if i had decided to kill myself when i was close to suicide, i wouldn't ever have met all of you guys. i wouldn't have made any of the friends that i know have. even if it doesn't look like it could be any better, it can. all it does is take time to come. and you have to let it come. you have to want it to get better. and eventually, it will.
have strength. it's always darkest before dawn. it'll get better soon.

[yasamufasa]

well, i'm glad that i could be of some help. i always try to help out my friends, no matter what. but having a license and car is not as good as it sounds. it has its own dangers and its own rules that you have to follow. but i'll be glad to drive anyone around, so long as i've got enough gas. and my house is always open to any of my friends. and i'll be willing to give you a ride in my car once it comes up. just ask.
and if you hate crying, find other ways to get that emotion out into the open and not bottled up inside of you. crying in and of itself is not bad. but if that's something that you hate, then don't do it. but do get the emotion out. if you bottle them up, it will eventually become too much for you to handle and you'll explode. you'll eventually do something that you'll regreat latter on in your life.
and maybe, when you're trying to talk to other people, it's not that they don't know how to respond, but maybe it's that they don't realize that you're trying to talk to them. alot of people can't read between the lines in alot of things. and sometimes, people just don't see it the way that you mean it.
and i totally understand about the asking and begging to get out of the house. it totally sucks, but live with it untill it changes. if you want to get out of the house, do what you have to to get out.
i understand what you're talking about with your family because i've gone through the same thing with mine. i still am. don't worry about it too much. you'll get out of your house with time if that's what you want.
and if you're worried about people finding out who you are, don't worry about me. i'm as clueless as usual. i have very little clue as to who you are. but that may be because i'm still kinda new here. if you want to delet your past posts, go ahead. but some of us still don't know who you are and that's the way you want to keep it. do what you feel you must.
it will get better. it's always darker before dawn. it'll get lighter soon.

[yasamufasa]

go ahead and delet your posts if that's what you feel like doing. paranoia is an odd one, but one people can live with.
and it's true that driving is a type of freedom, but just like every other freedom, there are guidelines that you must follow. they tend to really stink, but they're for people's safety. wait, and you'll be able to drive soon enough.
keep looking for a sure way to let your feelings out. when you find it, go with it. but keep looking and don't give up hope on that. and if it has to be adible, well, what are friends for? talk to us. we will listen.
and if people don't respond to what you're saying, well, maybe, like you said, it's because they don't know how to respond to help you out. i know when you respond to something, it can really hurt the person who expressed themselves. what i think it is is that people want to help you out, but they don't know how to in a positive mannor. in one that won't hurt you. people generally take their friends feelings into consideration first, and then respond.
it's a good idea to get out of the house. i'm not sure what extra steps that you've taken, but just don't get into too much trouble. try to avoid that as well. but if you really need to get out, just get out. and if you need a ride, i'm most likely open to give anyone a ride anywhere, so long as my grandma doesn't mind. and she generally really doesn't. i need hours practicing driving before i get my license, so it's serving two purposes. getting you out of the house if you need it and getting me practice hours.
one thing that i've learned in life is that nothing is ever really certain. all things change, no matter how much we want them to stay the same. and, well, if it helps you out any, i never email anyone, unless i really need to or if i'm responding to one someone else sent me. it's not just you that doesn't get any emails from me. plus, i don't know who you are. maybe you should call them up first, or email them again to start up a conversation via email or the phone. and i'm sure that there is always someone that is able to hang out, even if it's only a small amount of time. i know i'm pretty open if you need someone to hang out with. so is izu. and you are not worthless. everyone has an unmeasurable amount of worth. you can not tell anyone how much they are worth because everyone is always worth something. there is no price on anyone. everyone is worth something special to someone else.

[anonymous]

Yeah, thanks. I hope I'll be able to find a good way to express myself soon. And...well....yeah.
I don't know ab out really hurting someone who expressed themselves, I do know it's definitely possible, but I don't think that's what they're afraid of. But maybe you could be right, about...them now wanting it to hurt, though I don't really think that's it either. For me, I always try to take my friends feelings into consideration first, though, that is part of the reason I don't like expressing myself to them.
I do get my way out once in a while, to try and hang loose, or something. or whatever. I don't try to get into much trouble, though with my mom that's pretty much impossible. I do try to get out every once in a while just so it doesn't drive me crazy.
Well, about emailing, it's been my experience...that someone who's having a hard time, or is sad or angry, lonely, or depressed really appreciates a call, or an email, and especially if you show you care enough to visit. Even if they don't think they want to talk at first (if you call them) they'll likely appreciate it after.
I do call my friends, I do email them, but they just don't respond. I don't think there's really ever anyone who can hang out wit me.
well, gotta run.

[Petey]

yeah....just-yeah.